The Disappearing Act: When Masking Becomes a Survival Strategy
Grief, Loss of Identity, and Self‑worth in Late‑diagnosed Autistic/ADHD Women
Some masks are painted on gently, as what would appear almost natural to the unsuspecting eye. Others have become our second skin.
For years, I wore mine so skillfully that even I forgot where my face ended and the mask began. “High-masking” they call it — as if fluency in social deception were a gift instead of a desperate strategy for survival. What no one was allowed to see was the quiet grief, the constant mourning of a self I never got to know.
We’ll talk about burnout, grief, and identity loss — no numbers, no shaming. Educational, not medical advice.
A quick word on language: “High‑functioning” is widely used and searchable. It also hides support needs and blames the person for “functioning” at a cost. In this piece I’ll use high‑masking (often labeled “high‑functioning”) because it’s more accurate to the lived reality: you function for others by disappearing from yourself.
Masking isn’t deception. It’s sophisticated safety tech.
The hook you already know: There’s the version of you that nails the meeting, remembers everyone’s kids’ names and birthdays, and laughs at the right moments — and the version that goes home vibrating from lights, fabric, and small talk, replaying every sentence for embarrassment and oversharing. For years you called the first “me” and the second “too sensitive.” Then you learned the word: masking. Not deception. Survival.
Masking can take different forms:
Social masking: scripts, mirroring, smiling through the static.
Sensory masking: white‑knuckling seams, smells, sound; “I’m fine.”
Linguistic masking: flattening your cadence, editing honesty mid‑sentence.
Executive masking: over‑preparing, over‑promising, over‑delivering so nobody sees the cost.
Why many women mask earlier and longer:
Gender conditioning: be agreeable, be easy, be small.
Threat modeling: reading rooms like crime scenes; predicting consequences of difference.
Performance loops: praise for competence becomes a leash.
The biology of the disappearing act (what your body pays):
HPA axis and allostatic load: masking keeps stress chemistry on a hair trigger. Cortisol rises, sleep fragments, appetite signals drift.
Interoception and alexithymia: when your internal dashboard is dim, you miss early warning lights — you don’t feel the cost until your system crashes.
Gut → immune → brain fire: chronic stress erodes gut barriers; bacterial signals (like LPS) leak into circulation; cytokines (IL‑6, TNF‑α) activate microglia—your brain’s immune cells. Result: irritability, fog, emotional whiplash. You can’t mindset your way out of neuroinflammation.
Dopamine economics: AuDHD is often associated with altered reward/salience processing. When dopamine tone is low and the world is too loud, control becomes a drug — restriction, perfection, chronic people‑pleasing. It works until it doesn’t.
Hormonal windows: puberty, postpartum, perimenopause. Estrogen/progesterone changes reshape gut permeability and neurotransmitters — masking gets heavier just when your biology craves gentleness most.
You collected compliments — and lost yourself.
What the praise never mentions: grief
The grief of self‑abandonment: mourning the parts you hid to be loved.
The grief of time: decades spent performing. Rage may arrive first; let it pass through.
Identity foreclosure: if you were “the competent one,” who are you without the costume?
Nonlinear stages: relief, rage, bargaining (with your past), sadness, meaning‑making. No order. No deadline.
Self‑worth after a career in compliance
Old metrics: output, approvals, spotless inboxes, perfect meetings.
New metrics: energy left after connection, recovery time, honesty per minute, number of accommodations asked for without apology.
The shift: from “How do I make them comfortable?” to “How do I stay coherent?”
Why “just be yourself” is not a plan
Unmasking without consent or scaffolding is how people blow up lives they’re trying to save. The alternative is consent‑based masking: you decide where, when, how much — and with what supports.
A consent‑based plan you can actually use
Where to experiment first (lowest risk, highest return):
With one safe person, name one sensory truth: “I hear everything in this room. Can we step outside?”
At home, replace one fabric, one light source, one noise.
In your calendar, add recovery buffers. No back‑to‑backs. No “quick” calls.
Where to keep strategic masking (for now)
High‑stakes meetings, medical settings without allies, family events with rigid scripts.
You’re not losing progress — you’re picking your battles.
Micro‑disclosures (scripts that travel)
“I process better with written follow‑ups.”
“I’m engaged even if I’m not making eye contact.”
“I need 60 seconds to think before I answer.”
“I focus best without fragrances or music. Can we turn that off for this part?”
Sensory accommodations (small hinges, big doors)
Clothes: ditch the tags, seams, and “aspirational” fabrics. Comfort is cognition.
Light: warm bulbs; lamps over overheads; screen filters after 7 p.m. Blue-light blocking glasses.
Sound: noise‑canceling headphones; meeting captions; one‑ear in social spaces.
Food: sensory‑safe baseline meals you can prep half‑asleep; expand later.
Executive scaffolding (because willpower is not a system)
Externalize time (where absolutely necessary, otherwise tune back into your inner clock): alarms, visual timers, 90‑minute blocks with recovery.
Two‑line emails: “Here’s what I heard: [one line]. Here’s what I’ll do: [one line].”
One “no” per week: decline without essays. “No, thank you.”
Meal anchors: protein + color + comfort texture. Perfection is the enemy of nourishment.
The masking–inflammation loop (the quick science)
Mask → cortisol → gut permeability → cytokines → “brain fire” → lower distress tolerance → more masking.
Break any point: sleep, food that doesn’t fight you, light/sound control, nervous‑system downshifts (humming, cold splash, five deep slow exhales).
30‑day unmasking experiments (tiny, trackable)
3% truer voice daily: one sentence less edited than usual.
One accommodation ask per week (document the result; most people say yes).
Energy budget: track where you spend, earn, and leak. Patch one leak.
Masking audit on day 30:
Where did I feel safer and truer?
What backfired—and why?
What’s the next 3%?
If the cost feels medical, it probably is
If you’re living with relentless shutdowns, sleep collapse, or mood whiplash, there may be biology under the hood. Talk with a qualified clinician.
The biomarkers I watch in ND burnout: hs‑CRP, stool calprotectin/diversity, zonulin or lactulose–mannitol, OAT metabolites (HVA/5‑HIAA, quinolinic:kynurenic ratio (context‑dependent), ferritin/B‑vitamins/omega‑3 index, thyroid panel, cortisol awakening response/DHEA‑S.
Remember: labs don’t replace lived truth; they translate it for systems that only listen to numbers.
Boundary reminders you might need today
“No” is a full sentence; “No, thank you” is a complete paragraph.
Silence doesn’t equal consent; it’s honoring the time you need to process.
You’re allowed to make your body comfortable in rooms you paid to enter.
What I wish someone had told me sooner
You weren’t “high‑functioning.” You were high‑masking in a world that confused your compliance for wellbeing. Now we build a life that doesn’t require disappearing.
P.S. If “I’m fine” has been your only survival protocol, I wrote this for the you that isn’t. You’re beautifully w(e)ired — and you get to stay.
If you want a one‑page Masking Audit + Consent‑Based Unmasking Decision Tree, tell me in the comments (comment “AUDIT”) and I’ll make it for you. 💜
Gentle reminder: This is education, not medical advice. If you’re in active crisis or burnout, please reach out to a qualified clinician or support line in your country. You deserve care that meets you where you are, not where you’re easier to handle.
Thank you so much for that article, Violeta! I always knew I was overly adapting or trying to anticipate the needs of others so that I couldn't hear what I wanted myself. But your article helped to put words to what I've been going through. Do you have any book recommendations on the biological or physiological process that happens in the body as you mask? You shared so many steps to take that it's a bit overwhelming to know what to start with. I imagine you were aiming for people to start with the 30-day unmasking experiment, right?
Wow, this was so validating to read. I have found it easier to unmask since stopping stimulant medication. They help A LOT with my executive functioning. But I’m realizing they also made it easier to mask, which also made it more exhausting, and likely increasing my cortisol levels. I’m going back on them, but I’m going to pay closer attention to when/how I mask. Thanks for all the helpful info you shared. 😊